what do you think i’d see, if i could walk away from me?

So I think one of the strangest things in life is the way we relate to and come into contact with mortality. One of my close friends died when I was a teenager, and it was hard but not as much as I thought it would be or perhaps wanted it to be.

A unique aspect of this issue is the public death or the death of pop-cultural figures. It isn't important that we never knew the people. What they did and who they were meant something to us just the same as friends and family. Yet there must be a difference. To try to understand this I thought about the many people famous people who have died that have meant something to me, and there are three that define this phenomenon for me more than any others: Heath Ledger, Kurt Vonnegut, and Lou Reed.

I remember Heath Ledger’s death. I learned about it at work in San Francisco when I was working for the government. That was probably 2007. He was an incredible actor, and he was probably around my age. It was strange to think of him dying. It felt like I had been robbed of seeing more of him. It was sad. It was also interesting because when I went to tell one of my coworkers she told me she’d already learned that “like an hour ago.” It was odd at the time to think of the competition she felt about who learned news the fastest. This is now a daily occurrence.


Kurt Vonnegut died around the same time -- I’m going to guess also in 2007 -- while I was working in San Francisco. When we heard, we started talking about his books, and I even went and bought a copy of Welcome to the Monkey House at a shop on Van Ness. I remembered reading Breakfast of Champions in high school and thinking for the first time: “Wow this guy is saying some things I’ve never heard before. Critical, yet informed things about America. Cool.” It made me sad to know that he had died, but he was old, and he seemed to want to go. He kept mentioning the disastrous state of the world and saying that humans were no good for the earth. So maybe it was a plus for him.


Finally just yesterday Lou Reed died. I've spent a lot of time in my life listening to the music of the Velvet Underground. I can probably sing every word to all four of their albums except for “The Murder Mystery” from White Light/White Heat. I have learned and sung many songs by them over the years: “Candy Says,” “Pale Blue Eyes,” “Jesus,” “Who Loves the Sun,” “I’m Waiting for the Man,” and others. Some of his solo stuff is also amazing. I swear, I even enjoy Metal Machine Music in the background. I don’t really care if it was a joke. But Lou Reed has been mostly irrelevant for years so I am not sure how sad I really am.

Reed and Vonnegut weren’t producing much of interest anymore, but they meant a lot to me over the years. Ledger was a wonderful actor who was just starting out. Maybe some day I’ll understand why it is certain deaths mean more to me than others. Maybe I’ll understand my reaction to these deaths and my reaction to deaths of people close to me. Right now though I am lucky as I don’t have much experience. I’m sure I will learn more in the future, and that is something that's bittersweet. It'll make me cherish the times I live, the music I’ve grown up with, and the friends I’ve made all the more. Without death I probably wouldn’t care much about now. Cliched but true.

red bulls - champions

So tonight the team that I’ve followed week in week out for the past 3.5 seasons won the Supporters' Shield for MLS. This means they have the best record, and in any other league in the world this is the real prize. In MLS, it is the second most important win behind the MLS Cup. They are the home team for the whole playoffs up to that. The final, if New York makes it, is in New York on December 7th. Maybe I can go for a great sendoff!

What an amazing game 5-2 over Chicago. It was a very happy moment for me but it was also a bit sad. It is almost certainly the perfect capper for my time as a Red Bulls fan in New Jersey but I know that I won’t be able to follow them the same in the future. The games won’t be available and even if they were they’d be on at something like 1 in the morning often. Unless I use a VPN and pay for MLS Live. It still won’t be the same.

But hey what a way to go out. Tim Cahill, Thierry Henry, Dax McCarty, Lloyd Sam, Markus Holgersson, Ibrahim Sekagya, Jamison Olave, David Carney, Péguy Luyindula, Luis Robles, Jonny Steele, Fabian Espindola, Ryan Meara, Eric Alexander, Kosuke Kimora, Connor Lade, Roy Miller, Brandon Barklage, Bradley Wright-Philips, Kevin Hartman, Ian Christianson, Heath Pearce, Marius Obekop, Andre Akpan, Amando Moreno, Matt Miazga, Ruben Bover, Michael Bustamante, Santiago Caetano, Andy Roxburg, Jérôme de Bontin, Robin Fraser, and of course MIKE PETKE! Thank you all.

an american fiat

When I think of the most important things to me I always focus on travel. For me like everyone else travel is primarily about discovery. I zero in on the small details that collectively make up the character of a place in my understanding. 5-cent rolls in Berlin. The subway announcements which sounded as if they ended in “klariodnok” in Budapest. The sparkling orange-ish soda in the bahamas. Yet what remains in my mind more than anything are the everyday things that show evidence of history. As my life has focused on the part of the world which used to be governed by communism, related imagery is of paramount importance to me. The silence on public transportation in eastern Berlin. The Soviet-produced subway trains in Budapest. The word “Kosmonaut” in eastern dialects of German. Yet somehow the most important artifacts are the cars. The German Trabi, the Czech Skoda, and the Polish Mały Fiat. Now I know Fiat is Italian but for me the Italian Fiat is a glamorous car driven by people in Milan who spend thousands of dollars on clothes from companies involving names like Ferragamo. My knowledge of Italy Fiat and whoever Salvatore Ferragamo is is minimal but that’s not the point; it is unique from its Polish comrade. The Mały Fiat (or Little Fiat) is only Italian for me insofar as it is a symbol of a foreign company sending in their products for profits which would never benefit Poland. In Poland, the Mały Fiat is a comically tiny car observable everywhere, a symbol of economic imperialism and poverty. I am making no argument based on these claims as to its presence in the U.S. It was just anathema to me to see it here. Of course this is a mighty fine version of the Polish clunker sitting next to my car in the faculty lot here at The College of New Jersey.

remembrance of things passed

This is a perfect title for a blog of mine. It does several things. First it is a literary reference. This shows one side of me. It is also a reference to a book I haven’t read which also seems appropriate. It is furthermore wordplay something I also enjoy. Beyond this it speaks to nostalgia something that I feel becomes more and more appropriate to life as one grows in age. God help me when I truly understand nostalgia. It could also be seen as a sad sense of opportunities not taken. Finally it is a joke. I think of tests, gas, and kidney stones. A bad joke or an unfunny one completes the picture.