andywarholandall

So, I went to work, only to return home after only an hour and a half. It was great, and this afternoon after eating a burrito of only saffron rice, I played lots of songs on the guitar. But then, my mother called and I guess I acted snippy, and then she got really pissed. I fuck up everything. And yes Devin, I'm complaining, that's usually what I feel like doing. It irks me so much when my mother gest angry at me. I don't like having anything less than a great rapport with those close to me. I finished The Pearl yesterday. Steinbeck is awesome. I have nothing else to say.

So, I was so tired this afternoon. I was watching the Royal Tenenbaums and then my mother came home, and I was really sad and didn't want to deal with her, cuz she is always so chipper, so I ran upstairs and started listening to music and reading my John Steinbeck book. Then, I fell asleep, and I woke up so angry and sad. I was angry all through dinner and then I went out and got the Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach cd and then I picked up Nicholas. Then we went adn got Celeste. THen we went to Coffee Plantation, and met a ton of people. I saw Chris Frausto. Then after hanging out there for a long time, LuShay?, Michael, Nicholas, Celeste and I went over to Nicholas's house and watched part of the Germany video, then I took Celeste home. I love Celeste, she's great. That was just a perfectfully fun tonight, with no depressing elements at all. I came home and watched the end of The Royal Tenenbaums and now I'm typing on here, but even thinking aboout stuff has beugn to make me sad again. My "high" from tonight is gone and I feel horrible. I guess I'll just take my Ativan sleeping pills and go to sleep so that I can wake up and take a Paxill and start another chipper and wonderful day.

Oh, and my mom asked me if I was thinking of killing myself. That was my favorite part of the day.

Popcorn

So, the story about the old man made me think about a horrible event in my past, which may seem a little silly to anyone but me, but here we go.

When I was maybe 8, I was in Tucson with my brother and my dad for a soccer tournament that my brother was involved in. The entire team was staying in the same motel, and a bunch of the players were gonna hang out, and I asked my dad if I could tag along with my brother. He sad ok, and then he gave me some money to buy some sodas or something for my brother and I cuz my brother had already run off, not wanting me to follow. Then, my dad said he was gonna watch Wargames and if I wanted i could come back and hang out withhim and maybe buy us a snack so we could watch the movie, if I got bored with my brother's friends. So, we went out and I told my brother about the money and he took it and bought some sodas and gave me one and then we found (I have no idea how, maybe it was one of the other players') a big huge bag of popcorn, and one of the kids asked if anyone wanted it. I thought about my dad, and the movie, but then I didn't want to be uncool, so I didn't respond. We ended up making a huge mess in the hallway of the motel with the popcorn, and there was none left. Plus my brother's friends were jerks to me, and so I went back to the room. I had spent the money and no treat, but we watched the movie. I felt horrible the whole time, cuz all my dad wanted was to have a simple snack and watch a movie with his son, and I was too worried about being cool to be loving to my dad. I never told him about the popcorn, but I have felt bad about it for the past 12 years.

Old Man and the Old Spaghetti Factory

So, when I was at work yesterday, we had a really long wait list, and this old man was talking to me about whether the scale was accurate (we have a joke scale near the lobby of the restaurant). Then about five minutes later he came to the desk and said, "I'm not sure if my daughter is going to show up, but I figure I'll make sure she has a seat if she does. Two please." He was so sad, it made me wanna cry. About twenty minutes later, when I called "Albert Smith (or whatever) party of 2" and only he stood up and I remembered the whole story, I felt so terrible. I wanted to eat with him so bad. (crying) I walked by his 4 person table with only him and three empty spaces being served with extra care by his server, it made me overwhelmed by such fear for loneliness......

PAXILL!!!!!!

Yay. I'm now taking paxill to stop my bouts of depression and sad apocalyptic thoughts. I'm also reading The Pearl by John Steinbeck. I think I'm done trying to read Nietzsche right now. One) He's depressing, because he's enigmatic and I'm not Superman. Two) I feel like a dumbass. Three) I like John Steinbeck. It's far more BEAUTIFUL (yes, Caito and Jonothon, beautiful), and simple, and grounded, and you know, sometimes I just don't give a fuck about trying to be all deep, cuz it's really just a bunch of bullshit, maybe. There's a wonderful truth to Steinbeck. I went into Marble Slab Creamery to try to hit on the girl at the counter (look at her and be sad about how she's cute and not with me), but her little tiny sister was there, and so I didn't. That was sort of crappy. Now, I don't know what's going on. I think I have to use the toilet, but I'm not sure, I just did that..... Ummm.... was just watching the Royal Tennenbaums, thought about how much I feel like the tennis player.... haha. Also, watched Amelie, and felt how much I didn't relate to the guy or Amelie, but wish I could "relate" to Amelie. There I go, getting stuck in movies again.

So, why is it that even when everything that should be stressful is gone, I'm still stressed. Like, I get work done with, and the drugs dealt with, and everything else, but then I still am all sad and worried? I wish someone could explain that to me.

insane stalker

so, i have a stalker. It's scary and weird. and i'm so vindictive, i want her to know just how much i don't like her and am frightened by her. Hung out with Caitlin and Daniel Brodie together, just us, for the first time in years. It was really fun. I like those people.

Oh yeah, and the guy that serves the papers to my STALKERS (oh, i forgot, i have stalkerS!!!) is a huge fat guy, redneck, who scared the shit out of me, and sweated a lot. And his daughter was blond and really hot. It was a wonderful experience.

ok, so the process server served the papers to the changs (to the father in the front yeard, he never did anything, that's kinda sad) last night at about 6:30. I received an e-mail at 7:45 from Karen, apologizing, and informing me that she has "several groups of friends and family flying in from other countries tomorrow and would like to take them to a good restaurant." I'll take the Changs to a good police station if they do. I'm fucking annoyed by all this.