wow

I just had an amazing phone conversation. Not much of interest was said, but just the implications and the tones were amazing. I think I'm changing (of course, like always), but this girl. THIS GIRL! Stupid jesus.

So, today was amazing. I went to work, went to the bank, I got my prescription filled, I packed and I ate my last dinner at home with my parents. Then, I went out with Julia and we sat in the park and I felt really safe. It was really cool. I'm gonna miss her and I just started to know her. Now, I'm with my best two friends of late. A bunch of my friends are gonna see me tomorrow. I'm excited, but I'm also sad. I feel like I'm leaving a lot more than what I left last summer. I'm gonna be in California for about 3 straight months, stating at about 8 p.m. tomorrow. What an AMAZING. Yeah. I don't know. It works into the shadow.

the crazy guy, the neurotic, the guru and the girl

So, today was amazing. I mended a very dear friendship, and I'm very glad that happened. Then, I packed a little bit and went to dinner with my parents. I was kind of a dick to them, but oh well, i've just gotta let it go. Then, I went through meeting the grandparents and family friends of another girl, and then we went out and just basically spoke our minds about everything, including the way we felt about each other. Then, we cuddled and talked for a long time. When I dropped her off (ooooooh, yay!) i kissed her hand. Then, I went to Daniel's and Caito drove my car to Josh's, where I saw an old "desire" and an old "smart guy". This is like crazy, two-day before i leave "sensory-overload". I'm really happy that today in general happened. "YAY!!!!!!!!!!" ("I really enjoy quotation marks") 

Sonic Youth is great./Two funny things

So, this is a great morning. I'm about to go get my bike from the shop and then get my phone fixed. Then I'm gonna meet Amanda and Ryan Williams for lunch. Then, I'm gonna come home and start packing. :( I'm gonna miss the people who have inhabited the outskirts of my world of late. I think that everything is going to be very strange in two days. TWO DAYS!!!!!!!! I can't believe it. I have about 53 or so more hours in the Phoenix area. I'm sad, but also very excited. Man, I'm gonna miss you Caitlin and Daniel..... I'm gonna miss you Amanda!!!!!!! Everyone should come visit me. Everyone will always have a spot on my couch, my floor, or my mattress. Please come and we'll all be together again. Man, I'm gettin all sentimental again.

So, I said some things that became wonderful jokes last night. One of them occurred when Jonothon came in with 5 (not 4 to match the four of us) but FIVE!!!!!!! otter pops, and I was just "poking" some fun at him and I asked him "WHY ARE THERE FIVE?" It seemed amusing at the time. I have since forgotten the other one. If the awake people from last night can remember it, let me know.

So, I think the world is great. Last night, I think I was finally able to curb my polarized thoughts of depression. I was sitting in Caitlin's (Victoria's, haha) bar and for no reason at all, I started to get really emotional, but then I recognized it and tried to convince myself that it was ridiculous. So, I feel wonderful about that. Also, I think I've decided in the last week or two that I really DO believe in the idea of love, because there are people that I just LOVE. I love them, and that's just it. Maybe it's physiological, in fact, it almost certainly is, but just cuz I can't totally explain it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Of course it might not, but it might. I love the idea of love. I love holding and being held. At the moment, I love life. I wanna work towards not letting myself fall into pointless sadness, when everything could be so happy. I'm so glad that whatever happened at the bar happened, because now I have some faith in myself. So yeah. I'm leaving in five days, and I'm gonna miss you Caitlin and Amanda. I'm gonna miss you Steven and Daniel. I'm gonna miss you Allison and Allison and Andy and Connor and Jonothon and Kendall and Emily and Stephanie and anyone else who didn't just pop into my head. This sure was an amazing summer.

Dysthymia

So, apparently, I have a disorder called "dysthymia." It's known as mild to moderate depression. Read the criteria:

Diagnostic Criteria
Depressed mood for most of the day, for more days than not, as indicated either by subjective account or observation by others, for at least 2 years. Note: In children and adolescents, mood can be irritable and duration must be at least 1 year. 

Presence, while depressed, of two (or more) of the following: 
poor appetite or overeating 
insomnia or hypersomnia 
low energy or fatigue 
low self-esteem 
poor concentration or difficulty making decisions 
feelings of hopelessness 

During the 2-year period (1 year for children or adolescents) of the disturbance, the person has never been without the symptoms in Criteria A and B for more than 2 months at a time. 

No Major Depressive Episode has been present during the first 2 years of the disturbance (1 year for children and adolescents); i.e., the disturbance is not better accounted for by chronic Major Depressive Disorder, or Major Depressive Disorder, In Partial Remission. 
Note: There may have been a previous Major Depressive Episode provided there was a full remission (no significant signs or symptoms for 2 months) before development of the Dysthymic Disorder. In addition, after the initial 2 years (1 year in children or adolescents) of Dysthymic Disorder, there may be superimposed episodes of Major Depressive Disorder, in which case both diagnoses may be given when the criteria are met for a Major Depressive Episode. 


There has never been a Manic Episode, a Mixed Episode, or a Hypomanic Episode, and criteria have never been met for Cyclothymic Disorder. 

The disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of a chronic Psychotic Disorder, such as Schizophrenia or Delusional Disorder. 

The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism). 

The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. 

NOW READ A FAIRLY GOOD DESCRIPTION OF WHAT IT'S LIKE:

"There is a silent killer amongst us. With little fanfare it ruins lives and even ends them. At any given time, some three percent of the population is under its spell, mostly women (by a ratio of two to three to one). The experts call it dysthymia. We know it as mild to moderate depression.

If we think of major depression as a spectacular brain crash, milder depression can be compared to a form of mind-wearing water torture. Day in and day out it grinds us down, robbing us of our will to succeed in life, to interact with others, and to enjoy the things that others take for granted. The gloom that is generated in our tortured brains spills outward into the space that surrounds us and warns away all those who might otherwise be our friends and associates and loved ones. All too frequently we find ourselves alone, shunned by the world around us and lacking the strength to make our presence felt.

The symptoms are similar to major depression, with feelings of despair and hopelessness, and low self-esteem, often accompanied by chronic fatigue. This can go on for years, day in, day out. 

Still, we are able to function, a sort of death-in-life existence that gets us out into the world and to work and the duties of staying alive then back to our homes and the blessed relief of flopping into our unmade beds.

All too often, we are told to snap out of it. That the invisible water torture we carry in our heads is our own fault. And shamed into thinking something is wrong with our attitudes, we fail to seek help. Or, if we do, it's our family physician who confuses a very real chemical imbalance in the brain with some imaginary defect in our personality. And so we are sent away with a stupid happy pill such as a tranquilizer (whose depressive effect only adds to our quiet misery).

Some of us turn to the bottle or illegal drugs. Others seek a more permanent solution. Yes, even milder forms of depression can be lethal (experts estimate anywhere from 3 to 12 percent of dysthymics cure themselves by suicide).

And, sooner or later, it happens, the brain crash. Major depression. That's how most of us wind up, according to the experts, sometimes with a double depression, a depression on top of a depression that never had to be.

As I sit here writing this, the term mild to moderate depression mocks me. I won't even begin to estimate how many years I've lost to a disorder predicated by the modifiers mild to moderate. The least they could have done was assign the name of a Shakespeare character - Hamlet's disease, Lear's disease, anything, really. Just so long as it doesn't imply I was cut down in the prime of my youth by some invisible stupid nerf bat pounding against the inside of my brain."

Flagstaff

So, I went to Prescott and Flagstaff this weekend. En route to Prescott, we drove through this small town of Yarnell, and there was this sign on some shop that said "Brand New Dead Things." I think it might have been a bait shop or something, cuz it was near a lake.

 We got to Prescott, and ate and my father and I went hiking. Then, we came back and drove to Flagstaff where I went in a bookstore and I bought "The Possessed" by Albert Camus, based on Dostoyevsky's novel of the same name.

The Plague by Albert Camus

That's what I'm reading right now. Thought I would just record that. I'm pretty sad tonight, and now I just don't know why. I just saw Amanda the amazing girl, and she and her boyfriend are just the greatest. He told her he was concerned about me, and they talked about it. I totally appreciate support like that. I went to a psychologist and she told me to just recognize when I don't like things, and then realize the faulty thinking that leads to it, and I have a list of them that I fuck up all the time. So, tonight I went to Sweetwater Park (Jonothon and Caitlin, taht's where we went that night) and walked around for about an hour. I smoked, walked around my old elementary school that is adjacent to it, and then I just sat on the bleachers. Then, I went to Borders and just sat and read the Plague from where I had left off in my own copy. Now I'm typing. Tomorrow, I'm going to Flagstaff.

Daniel, the liar

So my dad thinks idledebonair is a liar, due to an occurrence at about 9:30pm. My parents hate it when people call after 9, and just when my dad was about to tell him that he shouldn't call this late, Daniel realized that he'd called the wrong John (they were right next to each other in his cell phone) and says, "oh! is this john thomas's apartment?" My dad promptly decided that Daniel Brodie was a ne'erdowell. So, when he called me to tell me that it got really annoying, so I decided to go hang out with Daniel, and that is where I am right now. He doesn't think he's a liar, he's saddened by these accusations.

Retiro

My night started like any other. I left my house with my parents a little weird towards me, and I towards them. I went to a coffee house with Emily, but then she had to be home at 11:00, so I called up my friend Favian Sanchez and we hung out, and he told me about his problems with his father, and I told him about my problems with depression, pills, parents, school, anxiety, a certain female, etc. etc. Then, he gave me incredible advice. In Spanish, there is a word "retiro" which means withdrawal or retreat. He told me that no matter what pills I took, what other people told me, did for me, or to me, how I treated others, etc..... the only person that can solve my problems is me. In Mexico, people go on a week-long "retiro" where they sort of meditate, but not in an understanding the nature of the world sort of meditation, but one where you stare your problems in the face, and deal with them, and think about them, and realize what you're doing to yourself, to others.... to the people you care about, love, or just the people around. I think this is a wonderful idea. I think I need to just talk to myself for a while (I'm not sure I can pull off a week) and just figure myself out. In Mexico, it's generally a way to become closer to God (it's generally a Catholic thing, it's mentioned in Joyce's writings), and that is what I want to do. I want to understand who I am, and how I am, and I'm not going to solve it at once, but I'm also not going to solve it by ignoring it. I realize this sounds like hogwash, but I think my brilliant friend Favian is right.