Ich bin heute Nacht zum Fuss nach Hause gegangen

Jedermann hier in Kalifornien hat zu viel Furcht vor den anderen. Heute Nacht sah ich ein deutsches Film, "Kirmes." Dann ging ich mit einer Freundin von mir nach Hause. Dann ging sie weg. Ich fuehlte mich, dass ich eine Zigarette wollte. Ich fragte einen Typ an, und bekam eine. Als ich an der Bushaltestelle angekommen bin, war ich noch am Zigarettenrauchen. Dann kam der Bus an, und ich lass es ohne mich zu gehen. Ich ging zum Fuss. Als ich fertig war, sah ich einen Typ vor mir. Er hat mich gefragt, ob ich etwas brauchte oder nicht. Ich sagte, "Nein." Aber dann fragte er an, ob ich etwas zu rauchen moechte. Ich sagte, "Warum nicht?" Dann gab er mir zwei Zigaretten und einige Rat. Er sagte, dass wenn jemand ehrlich waere, bekaeme er viel mehr, als ob er luegt. Ich denke, er hat recht. Dann ging ich weiter. Ich lernte viel mehr Leute kennen. Dann kam ich an meine Strasse an, und jetzt bin ich natuerlich zu Hause. Ich habe manchmal viel Vertrauen fuer die Menschen. Ich wuensche, dass es immer so waere...... und dass jedermann hat kein mehr Furcht vor ihren Mitmenschen.

Ich bin glücklich

So viel ist anders als es war seit 6 oder so Monate. Ich nehme nichts, was fremd zu meinem Koerper ist, meine Laune zu aendern. Ich brauche es nicht. Es freut mich sehr, dass ich vielleicht in Berlin wohnen kann, dass ich Deutsch ziemlich gut kann, dass ich ein bisschen Franzoesich lernen kann, DASS ICH MIT YUKO SEIN KANN, dass ich eine sehr liebende Familie habe, usw. Seit 6 Monate konnte ich nur eine lange Liste von Klagen sammeln; es ist aber jetzt die Gegenteil. Ich fuehle mich vielleicht dumm, denn ich habe nichts, ueber was ich theoretisieren (sehr negativ klagen)kann. Weisst du? Na ja. Es koennte noch immer schlimmer sein, oder?

I'm horrified

The State of the Union speech was one of the most frightening things I've ever witnessed in my life. George Bush has declared that there's an enormous amount of information proving that Iraq has weapons..... and if the UN won't support the US, the US will "lead a coalition" to disarm Saddam. He's basically said that no matter what as soon as he can he will send in the troops he's already amassed. He's creating all the things that he'll need in the future....... evidence to justify preemptive attack, past examples to show how dangerous Saddam is, its own evidence in case the weapons inspectors' report doesn't constitute just cause for war, public opinion in the freedom that we're pushing, an almost painfully incorrect and ludicrous, supposed connection between Al-Qaeda and Iraq. He's got emotional justification, just cause, immediacy, and everything he'll need when he decides to wage war. He also mentioned how dangerous the Korean peninsula and Iran have become. He mentioned the need to help Iran be more democratic. Is he setting the table for the nesxt conquest. When he announced that no matter how the UN ruling goes, he WILL disarm Saddam, I started crying. I cannot foresee anyone that there will not be war. If there is, we will either divide the Western countries and destroy alliances that are necessary for the supposed peace we have now, or rid europe of its dissenting voices. Basically, we will bring along all of our friends. Anyone not coming will be our enemy. We are going to start exterminating people around the world. It makes me cry. It makes me so frightened to be alive now. Well, I'm not frightened, as much as ashamed, horrified, completely helpless. I just wanna scream and cry. I JUST WANNA FUCKING SCREAM AT THE TAOP OF MY LONGS AND FUCKING SNAP. I CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE IT AT ALL.

Julia

Heute habe ich mit meiner ehemaligen Freundin (Julia) gesprochen. Wir waren 5 Monaten oder so zusammen, aber wir wohnnten in 2 Staedte, die sich nicht nah miteinander sind--sie Phoenix, und ich Oakland. Wir wurden 20. Dezember getrennt. Ich dachte, dass sie kein mehr Liebe fuer mich hatte....... oder dass sie mich nicht noch gemogt hat (ich hatte natuerlich keinen Grund darauf zu glauben). Ich bekommte eine neue Freundin. Sie heisst Yuko, und sie kommt aus Japan. Sie ist so huebsch und suess, und, wie ich, in der Vergangenheit hat sie eine grosse Menge Traurigkeit erfahren. Sie ist auch so intelligent wie ich, und das macht mir viel Spass. ABER Seit eine Woche habe ich ein E-Mail von Julia bekommt, in dem sie gesagt hat, "ich liebe dich in alle Sinne des Wortes." Es gab mir Furcht sie wieder traurig und allein zu machen, weil ich mit Yuko bin. Ich habe grosse Gefuehl fuer diese Frau, weil sie so aehnlich mit mir ist und meine erste war (meine erste Freundin..... haha). Aber ich kann diese Situation nicht mit Yuko diskutieren, weil ich sie nicht verlieren will. Heute Abend fuehlte ich mich so schlecht, dass ich eine ausgezeichnete Frau wie Julia verloren habe und auch dass ich nichts darueber machen kann, weil ich natuerlich nie Yuko schaden moechten. Ich fuehle mich schlechter als schlecht (ein englisches Witz) ueber die Weise, in der ich sie geschadet habe. Ich weiss nicht, was ich machen soll. Hat jemand einige Ideen?

Sadness

The title's misleading, because I'm not sad..... but I'm leaning in that direction, though I have nothing to be sad about. Oh well. I suppose this is who I am. I can deal with it.

I had class and then met Yuko and Tiara outside the Campanile, cuz I wanted to show Yuko, but it was closed. So, Tiara and I went to my house, and Yuko went to the gym.......

Tiara left right after Scott got here at about 5, and then Scott left to go to Tahoe. I'm alone now in the house, and this is giving my mind leave to wander, I guess. Amanda said she'd call me. I doubt it. 

Tomorrow, I go with Yuko and I get my haircut. Then maybe she'll come back here and ..... I don't know. I don't really have anything to do here anymore. I don't know why I feel like that, but....... oh well..... bis morgen, ja? Current Mood: hmmmmmm

Sarah and Yuko

I had a long talk with Yuko about her high school and college years. She's quite a bit more like me than I had previously thought. Quite a bit more closed though. There is some huge life-changing event in her life when she was 15 or 16, and I don't know what it is...... so curious!!!!!!!! I then went on to tell her a quick overview of my journey towards art school, my friendship with Sarah and then her death. I realized that a lot of the qualities I find in Yuko, I also found in Sarah. The virtue and integrity that Sarah alone, more than anyone else in the world, had, is present in Yuko. It makes me happy. She is going to teach me the basics of Japanese if I teach her the basics of German. I'm excited. I've learned lots of things....... Caitlin: Maybe you'll know some:

En pitsu, Ai shi te ru, Moshi moshi, I ta da ki ma su, O tanjyobi omedeto, and most of all.......... Yuko utsukushi des........ 

Tell me if you understand this is at all Caitlin. I think it would be rad if you did.

Anyway...... Sarah and Yuko are two amazing people. I'm very lucky to have these opportunities.

Yo

Ummmmm...... yesterday was an interesting day...... I learned many new things about the world and the world of my friends. I also sat in on an amazing class on Mysticism. I really really wanna take French, but if I don't get in, I might take Latin. It would be really cool, but I really just want French.

So..... I get to see Yuko today. I don't think I'll tell her that I still like Julia after all. I'm running more and more away from idealism, and I would never want to make Yuko sad in any way. She is so wonderful. I feel bad for Julia though........ She's a really wonderful person. I don't know. Well...... i do know, but it still kinda sucks.

I've never really been in a normal relationship where I live in the same place as the person, or one in which I actually like the girl, or one with such longevity (hahahaha). I'm not really sure how to act. I kinda wanna see her like...... now.... and now...... and now..... and in five minutes, when it becomes now.... then Now........ and now....., etc. Ich bin nicht sicher, was ich machen soll (oder darf......). Oh well, it's a good dillemma to have, I suppose. It's strange, I haven't been this happy in a long time. I don't really have any long-term worries...... only minor little ones..... and I don't think that that will change anytime soon. I guess my mind has no room for such nonsense. I just kinda think that I'm not a dependent person...... but I'm sure as hell not an independent one either........

more london

today, we got up and went to highgate village and then highgate cemetery, where I saw the graves of Edmund Spenser and KARL MARX!!!! Then we took the tube to Camden Town, which is much like Telegraph Ave. Then we walked all the way accross Regents Park to the tube station. We took the tube to Leicester Square and got tickets, and then to Waterloo Station to negotiate our Chunnel tickets. Then, we took the tube to New Cross, which is an amazing Afro-Caribbean influenced area of London. We walked to Greenwich and saw the Maritime Museum and the Prime Meridian!!! Then we walked back to the tube and took it to Piccadilly Circus, and walked to Covent Garden and ate again at the Veggie Place. Then, we went to find this alley with a bunch of vegetarian restaurants, but got sidetracked by an Irish pub. We had a few pints, and then walked to Piccadilly Circus to the Criterion Theatre, where we saw The Reduced Shakespeare Company's Compleat Wks. of William Shkspr. (abridged). It was so fuckin funny with all the anti-war statements mixed in. During the finale, where they do Hamlet backwards, they say "Listen for the satanic messages." Right in the middle of the mini-performance, the guy jumps through the air and yells "George Bush is great!" amidst all the chaos. It was so funny. Everyone loved it. We met these kids from Belfast and talked to them for awhile, and now we are back in Highgate, getting ready for Paris tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. Du Pere Lachaise (Famous people's graves), Montmarte and the Champs-Elysees, and maybe Les Halles and Notre Dame. Whatever we have time for. Hopefully lots of time to chill in a cafe, but probably not. anyways, off to sleep now. Goodnight.

London

This morning we went to Leicester Square to try to buy tickets to the Shakespeare show, but it's not playing tonight. Only Wednesday through Sunday or something. Then, we walked to Piccadilly Circus and saw Pretty Dirty Things, the new film with Audrey Tautou. Then, we went to the Tower of London and the Tower Bridge. We then went to a pub, and now we're home for dinner. Tonight will be a relaxed night!!! I'm excited. The first night where I just stay in. Anyway(s).........(the (s) is a tribute to caitlin), I'll talk to you all later.

John

P.S. Listen to any version of the song Paddy's Lament, there's a good one by Sinead O'Connor. It's a great anti-war in America song (different war, but I love the lines "Hear me boys, now take my advice/To America I'll have youse not be coming/There is nothing here but war, where the murdering cannons roar/I wish I was at home in dear old Dublin"...... and also, "But the devil, I did say/It's curse Americay/Cuz I think I've had enough of your hard fighting" Yay! Go and listen to great Irish music

London

Today we saw a lot of the West End, and went to this awesome vegetarian place in Covent Garden called Food for Thought, and then to a pub in Soho. It was a lot of fun, and now we're back in Highgate. Tomorrow, we're gonna go try to buy tickets to the Reduced Shakespeare Company Compleat Wks of Willm Shkspr. (or whatever) and then to this new Audrey Tautou film (I'm so in love). Then, we're gonna check out the tower bridge area, and then hopefully to the play. Wednesday maybe to Greenwich and more of the West End..... Thursday Paris...... then Friday, we don't know....... Highgate Cemetery? (with Karl Marx buried there!!!!!!!!) or maybe somewhere else........ I miss you Caitlin and Daniel so much. I miss you Yuko (even though you don't know about this page, you're still hella cute and wonderful), and also Tiara, and Mark, too, how are you? Alright, I love it here, but am looking forward to seeing Yuko again and being in Oakland again. See you for tonight. John

london

We are here in Highgate in London. Scott's takin a shower (I hope), and then we take the underground to Hyde Park. Today, we're gonna walk around the West End: Piccadilly Circus, Trafalgar Square, Leicester Square, Big Ben, Parliament, Hyde Park, Buckingham Palace, Westminster Abbey, Covent Garden, the home of that stupid fucker Tony Blair (#10 Downing Street), and of course Harrod's, where we will attempt to prove to the rich that class war is still relevant (no, actually we'll probably just be impressed and steal some cologne cuz we can). I talked to Caitliny-o-Cait-o-lin two days ago, that was fun. Well, I gotta go eat some breakfast, and get ready for the day. I'll tell you guys more tonight.

shite

shit, we are in dblin. we've been here in dounty dublin, we were here in dublin tipperary, claire, and limerick. it was so beautiful in limerick. tomorrow we go to dublin. tomorrow................ bywe.# John

Dublin

Hey. Scott and I are in Dublin right now at an internet cafe printing off our tickets to go to limerick on thursday. we are going to go see a 50th anniversary production of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot, at the theater where it was originally produced 50 years ago, the Gate. Dublin's amazing. We go to Cambridge on Saturday, London on Monday, and Paris on Wednesday I think. Everyone speaks hella funny here. I laugh constantly.

Dublin

So, tomorrow in the early morning i shove off to san francisco to catch a flight to dublin. then, we go to london and later paris. YAY!!! i'm so happy. Yuko came over tonight and we watched Bowling for Columbine with Scott and Alan. I'm also so happy. She's so cute. Write more later.

change

For those of you who only learn about my life through the internet, I'll fill you in on the changes. I stopped taking Paxill and I'm still happy! I haven't talked to Julia in more than a week. I haven't talked to her for more than 5 minutes for over a month. I finished my finals and papers, and also my application to go to Berlin for next year. It's mailed. I leave for Oakland again in 4 days... for Dublin in 5.

 I am sitting here about to go to sleep cuz I have to drive Yuko and Ayano to the Westin Kierland resort so that they can go on a bus tour of Sedona, Jerome and Montezuma's castle. Who are Yuko and Ayano, you ask? Well, Ayano is Yuko's friend from Berkeley, and Yuko is my friend from Berkeley, from Japan. She is hella cute. For some strange reason that I don't question (wait, I've questioned it constantly for the past two days), she likes me. I guess we're together. She referred to it as "our relationship." I think this is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, because I know that it can't last. Next year, I'll be in Berkeley or Berlin, and she'll be in Tokyo. I'll attempt to learn Japanese and have a huge huge smile whever I think of her saying "oh leally? (or) oh rearry?" But... it'll be done and over. But it's ok, cuz for now, it's not.

 I have this project that I want to work on while I'm in Europe. It's a work in which I discuss 4 occurrences in my life, and connect them and then theorize about what makes them stand out. It will be a sort of temporary answer to the "Who am i?" question. I haven't played guitar at all since I left school, but I've been listenin to lots of music. I saw Andy, Connor, Mike, and Kellen from Cast the First Stone last night, and the
(thought break)

Sorry for the break, but Yuko just came and started asking and worrying about how I just seemed to have gotten rid of Julia. I told her how I felt that I was more excited that Julia was a girl who liked me, than how the relationship made me actually feel. We then talked about some insecurities of the both of us. I am absolutely amazed at how concerned she is for other people. She is the least jaded person that I've ever met. She doesn't juge me. I can actually tell her anything.... Alright, well I gotta get up early tomorrow so I can take her and Ayano, but good lord am I happy at the moment. Current Mood: Genuinely happy