Off to Amsterdam

Um, yeah, so Nikki and I are going to Amsterdam in like 6 hours. We are so falling all over each other in happiness. I just got the results from my class and from a test I took. I passed the test, and can study on my own anywhere in Germany and I got a fuckin A in the class. Nikki got the same. Yesterday I went to Wittenberg with three French people, a Slovakian and me. We went around and saw all the Martin Luther 95 Theses museum stoff, then it hailed, and then i came home. I was a little bit late and nikki text messaged me saying that she was starting dinner. I ran into Plus (the local market) and tried to buy some wine for us, but the line was hella long, so i just went home. I got to the door, and nikki was making Brotsuppe (german bread soup) and she had bought a bottle of wine. How perfect. WE went to the pub and the bartenderin wanted our emails so that she could invite us to a party. how fucking cool is that. then we went to the imbiss and the turkish man showed me and nikki pictures of his wife back in turkey. it was sad. anyways. its cold as fuck here. the high is about 50, low below freezing. that's all for now. John

So, I'm done with my Sprachkurs and I improved my test score by 10 percent, from 79 to 89. I am now in the highest level class for learning German. That makes me happy.

Theres something else that makes me happy. Nikki Sitzmann. I don't know what the fuck is going on, but we're frightened by each other, but we've already talked about moving in together, because we're together every day and every night. We're going to Amsterdam and Bruxelles on Wednesday. Ich kann es aber nicht glauben, weisst du? And she has given up on the idea that we're not together, she knows it and I know it, and it's scary as fuck because noone has the power, we're just two vulnerable people falling in love. Ich kann es aber kaum glauben.

Yesterday she, Jon, and I went to Potsdam and had this discussion with this bartender for awhile about how americans are so "verklemmt" which means "all tied up" in the sense that we hint at things, whereas as Germans say them blatantly. The bartender told us to stop complaining and vote Bush out of office, and when we said that we didn't know what was to be done, he said, don't you have free speech, voice your opinion. Although I feel that was simplistic, this man just randomly said this to us in Potsdam, it was strange. He said, du bist verklemmt. You're binding yourself. Yeah. Tomorrow Im going with Nikki, Jerome (France), Martin (Slovakia) and perhaps some others to Wittenberg Lutherstadt, the city with the Wittenberger Dom, where Martin Luther nailed the 95 theses to the door, and started the reformation. Im excited

shacks and castles

caitlin, i found the castle. write me your email address so i can write you.

Friedrichshain

So, I have been having an interesting time here. I've been going out almost every night, and getting to know this girl Nikki. Im pretty into her, but shes not to me, but we sleep together and hold each and its schön. on saturday nicht nikki marty shaina and i went out to hear some indian music, but we were too late cuz we stopped for some jäger to drink on the train..... you can drink anywhere you want here.....and missed the tram. so instead we had some sudanese food from an imbiss, (like a taco stand) and then went to Friedrichshain, an older berlin district, and we went to an absinthe bar and had some fun. we then went back and smoked some weed. ive pretty much become an everyday smoker here, (cigarrettes i mean). on sunday we went to brunch in kreuzberg, the turkish district, and then to the flohmarkt (fela market) in Schöneberg, the gay district, where i bought a guitar and then played on the street with nikki for lots of hours. last night nikki and i went to warschauer straße, the "hip" place, and ended up finding the east side gallery, a milelong remaining piece of the Berlin Wall. WE bought some beer, strolled along it, got to the end found nothing near Ostbahnhof, bought another beer, got on the s-bahn, then the u-bahn, to Kreuzberg again, and ate some strange faux mekican food and had a corona with lime. beacuse all the beers were half liters, we were pretty trashed and just sorta slept on the way home. my class is great and i learn a lot. and in about 2 weeks i think nikki and i are going to go to amsterdam and paris, or to warsaw and moskow..... im not sure which, or maybe to halle, this east german town thats still in love with the DDR (Deutsche Demokratische Republik,,,, former East Germany). I don't know, we'll see. Also muss ich weg, da es so viele wartenden Leute hier gibt. Ciao.

Erkältung, Bier, Hallöchen, Bürokratie

m sick. I got drunk lots last week and fell all over this girl nikki from santa cruz. she didnt go for it, but we laughed about a lot and were good friends. shes however very sick with tonsilitis. im just havin, IVE SMOKED TOO MANY GODDAMMNED CIAGRETTES lung and throat problems compunded by a cough that i got from her. i am almost done with all the bureaucracy. tomorrow i do my Immatrikulation "matriculation" and then next wendesday early my Aufenthaltsgenehmigung..... residence permit. Im gonna find a guitar this weekend hopefully at the Flohmarkt (flea market). todays the first day without beer since horrible hangover friday where i couldnt walk. all ive eaten todayis bread meat and mustard, i feel strong. haha. ,2 Liters of juice costs 1,50 € at this cafe, but for the same price you can get ,3 liters of beer. beer is cheaper here than soda. i cant fucking believe it. ich muss aber jetzt nach Hause, denn meine Erkältung tötet mich. Wie schön.

oh yeah and all the people diminutize everything..... thus "Tschüss" which often is used along with ciao..... becomes Tschüsschen........ or something that will mean more... HALLO becomes HALLÖCHEN......... i love it, its so nice and friendly.

Also..... ciao John

Hohenschönhausen

I am now in my home in Hohenschönhausen, very strange district in Berlin. I pretty mch drink lots of beer and talk alot of German and meet lots of cool people from all around the world. I now eat meat, cuz it's too difficult to avoid it here. I have a Handy, (a cell phone) and the number is 49 170 878 9936. If any of you want to call me you should dial 1010987, cuz then it's only 39 cents to connect and 3 cents a minute after that. I will try to get a phone card to call all of you too. I don't have email yet, I'm at an internet cafe on Heiligestadtenstraße, so I won't post again for a bit. But please drop me a line if you can. I miss you all so much, but I absolutely love it here. I now have my Meldebescheinigung, (green card) so, I'm legal! Germany is better than I could have ever imagined.

BERLIN

this is an e-mail i sent to my parents, so it might not make a whole lot of sense, but i only have 2 minutes left on my 2 euros time here.

I'm here in the Generator Hotel Berlin. This is a great place. I met some British guys yesterday and we went out to Unter den Linden. Before that I also went to Kurfürstendamm and saw the blown up church, and also I ate lunch at Alexanderplatz. The day before I went to Potsdamer Platz, and if you wanna see botched-up capitalism, just go there. Gargantuan buildings from Deutsche Bank, Daimler Chrysler and Sony and no people. That was in the former west, but that more than anything felt foreign, cold and frightening. At every Platz here, there are anti-war and pro-vegetarian protests. The whole S-Bahn system is covered with graffiti, and there's this one stop on the U-Bahn, I think, that is decorated with tons of quotations about humanity from Heinrich Heine. I took the Strassenbahn from S-Bahn stop Landsberger Allee, the stop by the hostel, and the closest stop to my room in Hohenschönhausen. It's very simple and fast. However, it seems to take a long time to catch the trains..... I saw my building. It's in a very surreal looking place that looks very East German-ish. Everything is square and gray. Some of the buildings around it have been painted blue and white which seem to be the Berlin colors. Very strange. The German's going well. I've only spoken English once, other than when I talked to the British guys. My impression here is that the people are very honest. There's no way to check if you have a ticket for any of the trains. I asked about tips at a restaurant and I didn't quite understand and she returned some of my money. I had tipped 2 Euros on a ten Euro meal, she said, NEVER more than 1 unless it's real expensive, I'll have to see about that. I just had a Berliner Pilsener, one of the two main Berlin beers, at a stand on Unter den Linden, while reading "Der Tagesspiegel". It was great. I'm going to meet the British guys again at the bar in the hostel, but I probably won't go out again tonight, cuy I have to repack and be out of my room by ten tomorrow morning. The transit system here is amazingly efficient, if you know what you're doing. There are almost no maps compared to all the other cities in which I've been to. When we went out last night we wandered around this one station for 15 minutes, it was hilarious. The weather: This is the most humid place I've ever lived, there's no use in showering, and the weather seems to be far more erratic than in the Bay Area even. I took my jacket with me to Hohenschönhausen, but it was so hot, I ended up not wearing it, but then I headed out to check out Checkpoint Charlie an der Kochstrasse and it started pouring, just like in Phoenix..... hard rain. Then, I took the U-Bahn through Museum Island (Museum Insel) to Hackescher Markt, but I couldn't find Hackesher Markt, and so I walked back towards Museum Island. I ended up walking past the Berlin Cathedral (Berliner Dom), and the Neue Wache (remembrance place for the deaths in the German past) and past my school again. As I neared my school, all of a sudden rain just dumped all over me. It was just ridiculous. These fairly heavy showers were over in about 10 minutes apiece. It's very strange. 

Well, the city has strange weather, sorta nice people, lots of interesting places to go, many reminders that I'm leaving in the former Eastern Bloc, good beer, good newspapers, confusing everything, and of course good beer. More later, after I move into my new apartment. I just can't believe this is now my home for a long time.

John

Ich fliege morgen nach Berlin ab

A poem I wrote about truth and passion.

The glitter that fell, that foiled
That felt
Is never conceived by those who glean
Equality red, relations be raw
Grasping and clutching, just let me seem?!

In less than 36 hours, I'm gonna be in my new home. Wahoo!

This is the last poem I wrote on here, I still think it's good:

Placation is a
Vacation from arduous thought that warrants
Investigation. Is this a good
Justification for the
Marginalization of the
Sensation of emotion that fuels the
Rationalization of my everyday
Immotion?

Ich werde euch wieder sehen. Tschüss Amerika.

Ich fliege übermorgen ab

This has been one of the most miserable days of my life. I'm almost done packing, have little to do tomorrow, so hopefully I can relax, yeah right. I'm at the limit of fucking snapping. Thinking about my whole life being governed by my ability with German, and few bags with clothes feels really strange. This is the most naked I've ever felt. I was ready to fucking kill everyone in traffic on the way home. On top of that, I know I'm not leaving Yuko, but I feel like this is the real kicker. I always sad, well even if she were to stay, I'd be going to Germany. That's it. I'm gone. A memory. And (Caitlin you should enjoy) what to my nerveracked eyes should sound, but Weezer's bestest song, Only in Dreams. Well, I'm about to live one of my lifelong ones, but why am I not excited? I'm fucking scared, that's why.

School

I have to school tomorrow..... not tomorrow but tomorrow tomorrow. Yeah. I have to go to German and then PACS and then I think I'm done. Yeah. Man, I don't know if I can do it. Read Beatles random song selection for my current mood.

Yuko

So, today I went shopping with my mother to buy clothes for Germany. I'm again falsely falling into the theory that if I change my style I can change my personality. Man, society has really fucked up my head, and made my hypocrisy all the painful-er. I got home and cleaned my room, and then started reading some old poems. I opened a beer, and then my brother showed up. The real problem is that my brother has finally become a nice person who rides his bike lots of miles every day, and he doesn't hate me, but he's sooooo painfully normal. Where has all the hatred of corporate societal destruction gone? That sounds like a new anti-war song... haha. So, then the rest of the night was highlighted by my mom's amazing spaghetti sauce, and sitting burning some CDs for my new friends Marisin and Melissa. Why do I always manage to meet cool people as I'm leaving? Well, anyways, the real big thing happened right before dinner. Yuko called me. I just wanna cry. I really love her. I'm starting to believe, no matter how "mature" or "old" I get, I'm gonna be this hopeless romantic. And I really want to be with her. I absolutely think that we would be a perfect couple, but now what......... Now Berlin, die Haupstadt der Bundesrepublik Deutschlands. All exciting. Conflicts, wow, confusion, good lord. I'm gonna listen to Warren Zevon starting today. Dying gets me every time.

Good job, Mr. Young

For anyone who really cares, the new Neil Young album is absolutely amazing. The songs go on and on, the singing's off key sometimes, the words are a little corny, the production's lacking, and sometimes the words are not even discernable, but you know what, it's really good. It's about a little town dealing with the corporate destruction of the earth. If anyone wants it, I will burn it for them, or whatever, but you have to promise me that you will at least once sit through the complete album with the lyrics. The story is what matters. Just for a little taste, here are the words from the finale.

"Be the Rain"

Save the planet for another day
Attention shoppers.
Buy with a conscience and save.
Save the planet for another day
Save Alaska!
Let the caribou stay.
Don't care what the governments say
They're all bought
and paid for anyway.
Save the planet for another day
Hey Big Oil!
What do you say?
We were runnin' through the night
Never knowin' if we would see the light
Paranoid schizophrenic visions
Livin in fear of the wrong decisions
We got to wake up
We got to keep goin'
If they follow us
There's no way of knowin'
We got a job to do
We got to save Mother Earth
Be the ocean when it meets the sky
You can make a difference.
If you really try.
Be the magic in the Northern lights
Six Days...
Six nights.
Be the river as it rolls along
It has three-eyed fish.
And it's smellin' strong.
Be the rain you remember fallin'
Be the rain.
Be the rain.
Yeah, rain was fallin' and we're soakin' wet
Hail is beatin' down on our heads
The wind is blowin' through our hair
Faces frozen in the frigid air
We got to get there
Alaska
We got to be there
Before the big machines
We got a job to do
We got to save Mother Earth
Dream the hunter on the western plain
The birds are all gone.
Where did they go?
Dream the fisherman in his boat
He's comin' home empty.
He's barely afloat.
Dream the logger in the great northwest
They're runnin' out of trees.
They got to give it a rest.
(There's no other way to cut it)
Dream the farmer in the old heartland
Corporate greed and chemicals
are killin' the land.
Next mornin' Sun was up at dawn
She looked around and Earth was gone
Dark visions he had last night
He needed peace, he needed light.
He heard the rumble and
He saw the big machines
The green army rose
It was a bad dream
He had a job to do
He had to save Mother Earth
Be the ocean when it meets the sky
Greek freighters are dumping
crap somewhere right now.
Be the magic in the northern lights
(The ice is melting!)
Be the river as it rolls along
Toxic waste dumpin'
from corporate farms.
Be the rain you remember fallin'
Be the rain.
Be the rain.
Save the Planet for another day
Be the rain.
Be the rain.
Be the river as it rolls along
Be the rain.
Be the rain.
Be the rain, be the rain

Morning

So, I just went for a walk with Tiara into Berkeley and back. There were three encounters, one asking for a cigarette or money, but I had smoked the cigarette I brought with me and not my wallet. Then, a guy stopped us and asked Tiara why she was Mary (insert random last name). We said no. Then, a guy started muttering about something, mentioned God, and was completely incoherent, so we decided to just ask him where Alcatraz ave. was, so that we could leave, but he decided to show us, and walked us home and talked about his wife and his cousin. It was very cute. We then shook hands with him and now I'm here. What an incredible walk. I feel that people should all act like they do here and just talk to everyone they see. It would be great.

Yuko

So, I went to coffee to see Emily before she left, and normally this would cause me to make a scathing statement of society's lack of goodness, but that's probably getting redundant, so just read my previous post and extrapolate.

So, I'm starting to feel kinda weird about Yuko. I don't know what I expected from Yuko, but somehow I wanted to be able to keep loving her the same. Maybe I just sorta have to realize that's not gonna happen.

Oh, I'm such a fucking fake.

Music and Emotions

So, I totally feel like the most important bands of the 80s/90s are the Pixies, Nirvana, Sonic Youth, Radiohead and Jane's Addiction, none of which I've seen. The last 3 are still together and i'm seeing Jane's Addiction tonight, and then hopefully I'll be able to see Radiohead in Berlin.

So, this morning in the shower I was listening to the first song on the new Jane's Addiction album, and I was singing the line that says, "For all the money in the world/We'll go to war for you backward heroes," and I started to cry. I'm not sure why, but I think I'm just really emotional right now. My friends are going back to Berkeley, the new kids are showing up at college, I'm leaving my home, everybody's moving, my relationships with everyone are really different. I think this is the hardest time to leave yet. I'm gonna miss being in Phoenix with my friends, plus being in Berkeley. I gonna miss Caitlin, Daniel, Tiara, Scott, my family, my home which is being fucked up (maybe that's why I let the line in the song get to me) but is still my home, my house, my language, my everything. All I'm taking with me is some clothes, this computer and my self. I've never felt so naked in my life. And on top of all that I already miss Yuko. Everything EVERYTHING here will continue, except me........

My "Letter to the Editor"

The text of my Letter to the Editor at the Arizona Republic is as follows (I hope it is published):

I am a college student in California, who lives in the valley during the summer and I have watched the recall campaign with great interest. My critique arises not from being a member of a political group, but rather as a supporter of democracy.

Unlike many who have recently commented on its "grassroots" nature, in reality, the campaign consists of people being paid to gather signatures, funded in large part by the Darrell Issa for Governor Committee, in support of a man who has long wanted to be governor himself.

This conflict, while being in large part the fault of Gray Davis, will never be cleansed of monied politics. The mere fact that I, as a voter in California, could not recall Davis, as I do not have the millions of dollars to pay the signature gatherers, shows what a small role democracy has played.

While I in no way dispute the grievances with Davis, a man with lots of money and his own political agenda cannot be allowed to control the course of the world's fifth largest economy.

Meet the Parents

Sorry that I titled the entry with the name of a shitty movie, but it seemed so appropriate. Last night, Nikki's parents and sister, my parents, and Nikki and I went out to eat and hug out for about 3 hours. I have no idea what my parents or Nikki's parents thought, but it couldn't have been too bad, because they were all laughing and smiling, it was great. I'm sure it will be the topic of conversation for both families today, due to the departure of Nikki and me last night.

I leave for München in about 5 hours. I love the city. I'm very excited. I will miss Nikki and also Berlin. I just got back. 

Nikki goes to Poland today, just to the Polish city bordering Frankfurt an der Oder, so just a border city, but I hope to take her with me back to Kraków with me before the years out.

I'll try to write from the cities on my trip.

FUCKING FUCKING FUCK!

I'm sick and tired of my strange mental tendencies. I used to have all these discussions with Caitlin about how I thought sex was really dirty and nasty (even though I really really wanted it). Then, I thought I got over it. I spent the night with this girl a couple of months ago, and felt disgusting about it the next day, but I thought it was because I was really drunk and didn't like her, and was just trying to "get off." But here I like a girl, and SHIT! it arises AGAIN!!!!! What the fuck am I supposed to do, when I can't do anything more than kiss a girl without thinking that she's easy, slutty and dirty. I'm exaggerating for effect, but jesus christ. I don't know. Today, I couldn't even look at her..... and we didn't have sex. Christ!!!!!!! Caitlin, call me.

yay

I am with the most beautiful person in the world. Ich bin mit der schoensten Frau der Welt.

Gestern Nacht

Um 8.45 ist mein Mitbewohner nach Hause gekommen. Er hat mich gefunden als ich geschlafen bin. Ich bin aufgewacht und dann sind wir gegangen zum Cafe Roma. Wir machten nicht so viel Hausaufgaben und schliefen nicht vor 2.30 ein. ABER hatten wir eine sehr interessante Diskussion ueber gesellschaftliche Gruppen und Gruppensprachen und Kleidung und "was ist der aesthetik?" Es war sehr toll, und ist, das was ich studieren moechte........ Jetzt bin ich muede.

so gespannt

Ich bin so aufgeregt (oder als meine Freundin sagen wuerde "aufgeregend"), dass ich, bis zum Ende des Semesters, Goethe, Lessing, Grass, Heine und Weiss auf Deutsch werde gelesen haben. Auch dass ich werde herausgefunden haben, ob ich nach Deutschland gehen kann, und wenn ich kann, wo..... Berlin oder Goettingen. Ich ass mittags mit Yuko in La Burrita, ein mexikanisches Restaurant. Es wurde nicht geplant; wir sahen einander auf dem Universitaetsgelaende. Ich vermisse meine Freunde in AZ. Ich muss aber jetzt gehen, um Lessing weiterzulesen. (Ich lese "Nathan der Weise." Es ist sehr schwer fuer mich doch lohnend. Ja.)

Ich bin heute Nacht zum Fuss nach Hause gegangen

Jedermann hier in Kalifornien hat zu viel Furcht vor den anderen. Heute Nacht sah ich ein deutsches Film, "Kirmes." Dann ging ich mit einer Freundin von mir nach Hause. Dann ging sie weg. Ich fuehlte mich, dass ich eine Zigarette wollte. Ich fragte einen Typ an, und bekam eine. Als ich an der Bushaltestelle angekommen bin, war ich noch am Zigarettenrauchen. Dann kam der Bus an, und ich lass es ohne mich zu gehen. Ich ging zum Fuss. Als ich fertig war, sah ich einen Typ vor mir. Er hat mich gefragt, ob ich etwas brauchte oder nicht. Ich sagte, "Nein." Aber dann fragte er an, ob ich etwas zu rauchen moechte. Ich sagte, "Warum nicht?" Dann gab er mir zwei Zigaretten und einige Rat. Er sagte, dass wenn jemand ehrlich waere, bekaeme er viel mehr, als ob er luegt. Ich denke, er hat recht. Dann ging ich weiter. Ich lernte viel mehr Leute kennen. Dann kam ich an meine Strasse an, und jetzt bin ich natuerlich zu Hause. Ich habe manchmal viel Vertrauen fuer die Menschen. Ich wuensche, dass es immer so waere...... und dass jedermann hat kein mehr Furcht vor ihren Mitmenschen.

Ich bin glücklich

So viel ist anders als es war seit 6 oder so Monate. Ich nehme nichts, was fremd zu meinem Koerper ist, meine Laune zu aendern. Ich brauche es nicht. Es freut mich sehr, dass ich vielleicht in Berlin wohnen kann, dass ich Deutsch ziemlich gut kann, dass ich ein bisschen Franzoesich lernen kann, DASS ICH MIT YUKO SEIN KANN, dass ich eine sehr liebende Familie habe, usw. Seit 6 Monate konnte ich nur eine lange Liste von Klagen sammeln; es ist aber jetzt die Gegenteil. Ich fuehle mich vielleicht dumm, denn ich habe nichts, ueber was ich theoretisieren (sehr negativ klagen)kann. Weisst du? Na ja. Es koennte noch immer schlimmer sein, oder?

I'm horrified

The State of the Union speech was one of the most frightening things I've ever witnessed in my life. George Bush has declared that there's an enormous amount of information proving that Iraq has weapons..... and if the UN won't support the US, the US will "lead a coalition" to disarm Saddam. He's basically said that no matter what as soon as he can he will send in the troops he's already amassed. He's creating all the things that he'll need in the future....... evidence to justify preemptive attack, past examples to show how dangerous Saddam is, its own evidence in case the weapons inspectors' report doesn't constitute just cause for war, public opinion in the freedom that we're pushing, an almost painfully incorrect and ludicrous, supposed connection between Al-Qaeda and Iraq. He's got emotional justification, just cause, immediacy, and everything he'll need when he decides to wage war. He also mentioned how dangerous the Korean peninsula and Iran have become. He mentioned the need to help Iran be more democratic. Is he setting the table for the nesxt conquest. When he announced that no matter how the UN ruling goes, he WILL disarm Saddam, I started crying. I cannot foresee anyone that there will not be war. If there is, we will either divide the Western countries and destroy alliances that are necessary for the supposed peace we have now, or rid europe of its dissenting voices. Basically, we will bring along all of our friends. Anyone not coming will be our enemy. We are going to start exterminating people around the world. It makes me cry. It makes me so frightened to be alive now. Well, I'm not frightened, as much as ashamed, horrified, completely helpless. I just wanna scream and cry. I JUST WANNA FUCKING SCREAM AT THE TAOP OF MY LONGS AND FUCKING SNAP. I CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE IT AT ALL.

Julia

Heute habe ich mit meiner ehemaligen Freundin (Julia) gesprochen. Wir waren 5 Monaten oder so zusammen, aber wir wohnnten in 2 Staedte, die sich nicht nah miteinander sind--sie Phoenix, und ich Oakland. Wir wurden 20. Dezember getrennt. Ich dachte, dass sie kein mehr Liebe fuer mich hatte....... oder dass sie mich nicht noch gemogt hat (ich hatte natuerlich keinen Grund darauf zu glauben). Ich bekommte eine neue Freundin. Sie heisst Yuko, und sie kommt aus Japan. Sie ist so huebsch und suess, und, wie ich, in der Vergangenheit hat sie eine grosse Menge Traurigkeit erfahren. Sie ist auch so intelligent wie ich, und das macht mir viel Spass. ABER Seit eine Woche habe ich ein E-Mail von Julia bekommt, in dem sie gesagt hat, "ich liebe dich in alle Sinne des Wortes." Es gab mir Furcht sie wieder traurig und allein zu machen, weil ich mit Yuko bin. Ich habe grosse Gefuehl fuer diese Frau, weil sie so aehnlich mit mir ist und meine erste war (meine erste Freundin..... haha). Aber ich kann diese Situation nicht mit Yuko diskutieren, weil ich sie nicht verlieren will. Heute Abend fuehlte ich mich so schlecht, dass ich eine ausgezeichnete Frau wie Julia verloren habe und auch dass ich nichts darueber machen kann, weil ich natuerlich nie Yuko schaden moechten. Ich fuehle mich schlechter als schlecht (ein englisches Witz) ueber die Weise, in der ich sie geschadet habe. Ich weiss nicht, was ich machen soll. Hat jemand einige Ideen?

Sadness

The title's misleading, because I'm not sad..... but I'm leaning in that direction, though I have nothing to be sad about. Oh well. I suppose this is who I am. I can deal with it.

I had class and then met Yuko and Tiara outside the Campanile, cuz I wanted to show Yuko, but it was closed. So, Tiara and I went to my house, and Yuko went to the gym.......

Tiara left right after Scott got here at about 5, and then Scott left to go to Tahoe. I'm alone now in the house, and this is giving my mind leave to wander, I guess. Amanda said she'd call me. I doubt it. 

Tomorrow, I go with Yuko and I get my haircut. Then maybe she'll come back here and ..... I don't know. I don't really have anything to do here anymore. I don't know why I feel like that, but....... oh well..... bis morgen, ja? Current Mood: hmmmmmm

Sarah and Yuko

I had a long talk with Yuko about her high school and college years. She's quite a bit more like me than I had previously thought. Quite a bit more closed though. There is some huge life-changing event in her life when she was 15 or 16, and I don't know what it is...... so curious!!!!!!!! I then went on to tell her a quick overview of my journey towards art school, my friendship with Sarah and then her death. I realized that a lot of the qualities I find in Yuko, I also found in Sarah. The virtue and integrity that Sarah alone, more than anyone else in the world, had, is present in Yuko. It makes me happy. She is going to teach me the basics of Japanese if I teach her the basics of German. I'm excited. I've learned lots of things....... Caitlin: Maybe you'll know some:

En pitsu, Ai shi te ru, Moshi moshi, I ta da ki ma su, O tanjyobi omedeto, and most of all.......... Yuko utsukushi des........ 

Tell me if you understand this is at all Caitlin. I think it would be rad if you did.

Anyway...... Sarah and Yuko are two amazing people. I'm very lucky to have these opportunities.

Yo

Ummmmm...... yesterday was an interesting day...... I learned many new things about the world and the world of my friends. I also sat in on an amazing class on Mysticism. I really really wanna take French, but if I don't get in, I might take Latin. It would be really cool, but I really just want French.

So..... I get to see Yuko today. I don't think I'll tell her that I still like Julia after all. I'm running more and more away from idealism, and I would never want to make Yuko sad in any way. She is so wonderful. I feel bad for Julia though........ She's a really wonderful person. I don't know. Well...... i do know, but it still kinda sucks.

I've never really been in a normal relationship where I live in the same place as the person, or one in which I actually like the girl, or one with such longevity (hahahaha). I'm not really sure how to act. I kinda wanna see her like...... now.... and now...... and now..... and in five minutes, when it becomes now.... then Now........ and now....., etc. Ich bin nicht sicher, was ich machen soll (oder darf......). Oh well, it's a good dillemma to have, I suppose. It's strange, I haven't been this happy in a long time. I don't really have any long-term worries...... only minor little ones..... and I don't think that that will change anytime soon. I guess my mind has no room for such nonsense. I just kinda think that I'm not a dependent person...... but I'm sure as hell not an independent one either........

more london

today, we got up and went to highgate village and then highgate cemetery, where I saw the graves of Edmund Spenser and KARL MARX!!!! Then we took the tube to Camden Town, which is much like Telegraph Ave. Then we walked all the way accross Regents Park to the tube station. We took the tube to Leicester Square and got tickets, and then to Waterloo Station to negotiate our Chunnel tickets. Then, we took the tube to New Cross, which is an amazing Afro-Caribbean influenced area of London. We walked to Greenwich and saw the Maritime Museum and the Prime Meridian!!! Then we walked back to the tube and took it to Piccadilly Circus, and walked to Covent Garden and ate again at the Veggie Place. Then, we went to find this alley with a bunch of vegetarian restaurants, but got sidetracked by an Irish pub. We had a few pints, and then walked to Piccadilly Circus to the Criterion Theatre, where we saw The Reduced Shakespeare Company's Compleat Wks. of William Shkspr. (abridged). It was so fuckin funny with all the anti-war statements mixed in. During the finale, where they do Hamlet backwards, they say "Listen for the satanic messages." Right in the middle of the mini-performance, the guy jumps through the air and yells "George Bush is great!" amidst all the chaos. It was so funny. Everyone loved it. We met these kids from Belfast and talked to them for awhile, and now we are back in Highgate, getting ready for Paris tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. Du Pere Lachaise (Famous people's graves), Montmarte and the Champs-Elysees, and maybe Les Halles and Notre Dame. Whatever we have time for. Hopefully lots of time to chill in a cafe, but probably not. anyways, off to sleep now. Goodnight.

London

This morning we went to Leicester Square to try to buy tickets to the Shakespeare show, but it's not playing tonight. Only Wednesday through Sunday or something. Then, we walked to Piccadilly Circus and saw Pretty Dirty Things, the new film with Audrey Tautou. Then, we went to the Tower of London and the Tower Bridge. We then went to a pub, and now we're home for dinner. Tonight will be a relaxed night!!! I'm excited. The first night where I just stay in. Anyway(s).........(the (s) is a tribute to caitlin), I'll talk to you all later.

John

P.S. Listen to any version of the song Paddy's Lament, there's a good one by Sinead O'Connor. It's a great anti-war in America song (different war, but I love the lines "Hear me boys, now take my advice/To America I'll have youse not be coming/There is nothing here but war, where the murdering cannons roar/I wish I was at home in dear old Dublin"...... and also, "But the devil, I did say/It's curse Americay/Cuz I think I've had enough of your hard fighting" Yay! Go and listen to great Irish music

London

Today we saw a lot of the West End, and went to this awesome vegetarian place in Covent Garden called Food for Thought, and then to a pub in Soho. It was a lot of fun, and now we're back in Highgate. Tomorrow, we're gonna go try to buy tickets to the Reduced Shakespeare Company Compleat Wks of Willm Shkspr. (or whatever) and then to this new Audrey Tautou film (I'm so in love). Then, we're gonna check out the tower bridge area, and then hopefully to the play. Wednesday maybe to Greenwich and more of the West End..... Thursday Paris...... then Friday, we don't know....... Highgate Cemetery? (with Karl Marx buried there!!!!!!!!) or maybe somewhere else........ I miss you Caitlin and Daniel so much. I miss you Yuko (even though you don't know about this page, you're still hella cute and wonderful), and also Tiara, and Mark, too, how are you? Alright, I love it here, but am looking forward to seeing Yuko again and being in Oakland again. See you for tonight. John

london

We are here in Highgate in London. Scott's takin a shower (I hope), and then we take the underground to Hyde Park. Today, we're gonna walk around the West End: Piccadilly Circus, Trafalgar Square, Leicester Square, Big Ben, Parliament, Hyde Park, Buckingham Palace, Westminster Abbey, Covent Garden, the home of that stupid fucker Tony Blair (#10 Downing Street), and of course Harrod's, where we will attempt to prove to the rich that class war is still relevant (no, actually we'll probably just be impressed and steal some cologne cuz we can). I talked to Caitliny-o-Cait-o-lin two days ago, that was fun. Well, I gotta go eat some breakfast, and get ready for the day. I'll tell you guys more tonight.

shite

shit, we are in dblin. we've been here in dounty dublin, we were here in dublin tipperary, claire, and limerick. it was so beautiful in limerick. tomorrow we go to dublin. tomorrow................ bywe.# John

Dublin

Hey. Scott and I are in Dublin right now at an internet cafe printing off our tickets to go to limerick on thursday. we are going to go see a 50th anniversary production of Samuel Beckett's Waiting for Godot, at the theater where it was originally produced 50 years ago, the Gate. Dublin's amazing. We go to Cambridge on Saturday, London on Monday, and Paris on Wednesday I think. Everyone speaks hella funny here. I laugh constantly.

Dublin

So, tomorrow in the early morning i shove off to san francisco to catch a flight to dublin. then, we go to london and later paris. YAY!!! i'm so happy. Yuko came over tonight and we watched Bowling for Columbine with Scott and Alan. I'm also so happy. She's so cute. Write more later.

change

For those of you who only learn about my life through the internet, I'll fill you in on the changes. I stopped taking Paxill and I'm still happy! I haven't talked to Julia in more than a week. I haven't talked to her for more than 5 minutes for over a month. I finished my finals and papers, and also my application to go to Berlin for next year. It's mailed. I leave for Oakland again in 4 days... for Dublin in 5.

 I am sitting here about to go to sleep cuz I have to drive Yuko and Ayano to the Westin Kierland resort so that they can go on a bus tour of Sedona, Jerome and Montezuma's castle. Who are Yuko and Ayano, you ask? Well, Ayano is Yuko's friend from Berkeley, and Yuko is my friend from Berkeley, from Japan. She is hella cute. For some strange reason that I don't question (wait, I've questioned it constantly for the past two days), she likes me. I guess we're together. She referred to it as "our relationship." I think this is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, because I know that it can't last. Next year, I'll be in Berkeley or Berlin, and she'll be in Tokyo. I'll attempt to learn Japanese and have a huge huge smile whever I think of her saying "oh leally? (or) oh rearry?" But... it'll be done and over. But it's ok, cuz for now, it's not.

 I have this project that I want to work on while I'm in Europe. It's a work in which I discuss 4 occurrences in my life, and connect them and then theorize about what makes them stand out. It will be a sort of temporary answer to the "Who am i?" question. I haven't played guitar at all since I left school, but I've been listenin to lots of music. I saw Andy, Connor, Mike, and Kellen from Cast the First Stone last night, and the
(thought break)

Sorry for the break, but Yuko just came and started asking and worrying about how I just seemed to have gotten rid of Julia. I told her how I felt that I was more excited that Julia was a girl who liked me, than how the relationship made me actually feel. We then talked about some insecurities of the both of us. I am absolutely amazed at how concerned she is for other people. She is the least jaded person that I've ever met. She doesn't juge me. I can actually tell her anything.... Alright, well I gotta get up early tomorrow so I can take her and Ayano, but good lord am I happy at the moment. Current Mood: Genuinely happy