The Intertwined Collections

You know, this livejournal thingy is not so fun when i have nothing to bitch about. i do have to say that this band beefcake messiah from Milford, NH (Scott's home before Sonora) is pretty great. If you don't know who Scott is, you can all fuck yourselves, cuz "you're really missin' out." (direct quote from him himself) him and I just formed a band. After I give my presentation tomorrow, I get to read for fun. I'm reading the Fellowship of the Ring. It's pretty rad. I'm so excited about seeing my friends back home in Phoenix. (I guess almost everyone who reads this is there, all two of you). Um.......... Scott and I finished that song that we were writing. it's pretty great. it's called, "The Intertwined Collections." it's about a guy and a girl being somewhat depressed and afraid, but at least they can be scared together. (Guess what, I'm one of the people.........)

Synopsis of my day

so, i woke up at 7:15 with oatmeal already cooked by my roommate. this is the first time, every other day of the year, i did it for him..... weird. then, i ate it and started reading non-violence theory. i decided it was stupid and just as i put it dow n, realized that i had to write a 350 word essay for german due at 10. it was 8:15. So, I wrote that and took a shower and missed my bus, so i was late to class. then, i went to thai food with asal. i had basil eggplant. it was hella good. then, i w ent to political economy of food lecture, but the lady was an idiot, completely ignorant to everything except "GMO's are bad!" I'm sick of all that. But then, we got out early, and i caught the bus home. i worked on my still-broken computer (this is my roommate's) and then my dad's friend came over from san ramon. he couldn't fix my computer, but i finished my non-violence reading, and i cooked some soup and watched the simpsons. then, i read some of the Trial, by Franz Kafka, the best author in all the world. Yep, that was my day. I'm doing laundry and thinking about someone special right now. i can't wait to be home in a week!!!! i'm so excited about thanksgiving. i miss home and my friends. I really am gonna miss everyone next year, when i'm in europe (yes, i'm also using this as an opportunity to gloat). life has been extra smily lately. i'm working on a song right now. scott wrote the chord progression. i'm working on the arrangement and the words. i want it to be ready by the time i g o home to phoenix, so i can play it for julia. right now, drinking tea out my john guitar mug. i love my parents. ok, now i gotta go read more kafka (the best homework ever).

library

today was great. i missed the bus and then caught the next one and then it broke down, and then my friend went home and slept cuz she was sick so I have noone to talk to. But, I'm excited about that. It'll give me a chance to read, and to be alone. I like being alone outside, just listening and seeing and feeling. It's really beautiful here in the Bay Area right now.

So, I spent lots of the weekend with my roommate's "girlfriend" Olivia. I put that in quotes because they are constantly struggling with the whole idealistic "let's stay together" vs. the practical "we live too far apart" argument. It's really sad, but it's also amazing watching them together. It makes me have more love for myself and for them and for everyone.

I feel really good about life right now. I once again had an amazing phone conversation yesterday, making ever more smiley. I am excited about my lunch that I'm about to eat, a hummus sandwich with cucmber, pickles, and tomato, and then an apple on the side. In fact, I'm done now, even though I had more to say, because the outside is calling (I'm at the library cuz my internet is having problems) Hi, Amanda Krampf. I know vaguely who you are....... E-mail me sometime. Hi Daniel and Caitomccake potato, miss you both.

rebellion?

I don't know whether my comment is real or whether it is purely a rebellious reaction to the posts of the others who keep livejournals, but ....... well let that stand as a disclaimer.

 I am no longer very sad in my life. I think the drugs took care of that. I just feel completely helpless. I have a direction that I want to head in. I feel superior to many others due to a feeling of sort of anti-superiority..... it's very paradoxical. i don't enjoy listening to people who stand behind slogans, or simplify their oppositions, and I try to complicate things whenever I catch myself simplifying. The current war-threat is a perfect example. I do suspect Bush of trying to line his pockets with (indirect) oil-money, and even if this is his only motive, it still seems very random to base ones views about an incredibly potent force in our lives on suppositions. I want to study semantics, the power of language in the hands of an agenda, and also Wittgenstein about how language is meaningless. I want to help the world, without polarity. I think there's too much of a focus on the personal individual--and how one can perfect, or effect an end--rather than on the societal individual--how one can process and work and push. I, of course, am not claiming to be free of any of the things which I critique here..... I'm just critiquing them..... Anyway, these are my thoughts for today. I'll hopefully fix some things from here and come up with some more tomorrow.

 Oh yeah, what was I getting at with my disclaimer? I think that I have a problem with depression. (HAHAHAHA, John is attacking depression, funny right?) I think what I mean is that depression, at least the way I experience/experienced it, is not a process but a termination. It's the assigment of a name, or a box to something that is dynamic. It's simplistic. It's resignation. I'm horribly guilty of it all the time. I just want to sort of announce that I have a theoy that it's nto the best way to go, cuz I always do have a choice, I always just take the easy way out. Anyway.......

free writing on my current thoughts

I think I need to realize that relationships cause actions. One person cannot be completely resposible OR not responsible for his/her actions. One person's actions are a catalyst to the other person's reaction. I need to work on the, "jesus Christ, I'M sick of that shit!!!!" as well as the, "I FUCKED IT ALL UP!!!!!" thoughts, both of which I do way too much.

I also think I'm too arrogant. I have no humility when it comes to my intelligence, or my reasoning abilities, and this helps fuel many semantic-based rifts in discussions that end in angry arguments. I think the reason that I'm arrogant, is that I have close to no self-esteem when it comes to the rest of who I am. I'm angry at who I am, but I spend so much time reasoning about it that I never do anything other than attempt to reason my way out of it. I think to be humble, one has to be content with himself/herself on a total level. I see this as a reason that everyone is arrogant to some extent; i might be just a little more polarized than some.

Thoughts on this, anyone?

I feel so strange that i don't know why i can't understand myself. i love my friends, i love my life, but i'm not sure if that's merely placation, or not.

Placation is a
Vacation from arduous thought that warrants
Investigation. Is this a good
Justification for the
Marginalization of the
Sensation of emotion that fuels the
Rationalization of my everyday
Immotion?

Wow, I like my poem that just came out (I did have to work through it a little bit.) I'm done now.

Mein 20. Geburtstag!!!!!!

today was my birthday. it started out wonderfully. first, my cute peace studies facilitator wanted to take me out for my birthday, and then i talked ot my friend asal for awhile. then, the day started to turn. my peace studies class was way simplified and dogmatic today, and then this girl Yuko, who I was gonna go read with, disappeared while I was arguing with my roommate Brynna. Then, it got really hot outside, and after I came home I ate too much. Then, I got in a really bad screaming fight with Brynna, where she told me that '"we" (meaning her boyfriend and her) were doing "you" (meaning me) a favor by letting you have that spot!!!!!!!!' I told her she was ridiculous. Then, I almost passed out from depression, you know the catatonic pathetic dying hate-the-world cuz you're uglier and smarter than everyone else thoughts??????? I know you know (except for Caito). Then, Scott came home and we bitched about Brynna for awhile, and THEN SHE CAME HOME AND APOLOGIZED!!!!!! IT WAS RIDICULOUS!!!!!!!!! I was hella surprised. Then, my friend Jane invited me to come drink and smoke with her tomorrow night at her co-op. YAY!!!!!! Fun tomorrow night, good roommate times, and then drinking with my friends on friday for my birthday....... today, the day i ceased to be a teenager turned out to be a pretty good day. ICH BIN 20!!!!!!!!!! Ja, ich freue mich sehr an meine alte Koerper........

structural violence and positive peace

So, I read Kafka's "A Report to an Academy" today. It's a crazy story of an ape who learns to act like a man so he can leave his cage. He never experiences "freedom" but be claims it's not what he's looking for. I guess he just trains himself to act like everyone else, so that he can just exist, instead of existing as someone, as an individual. It's really interesting and everyone should read it. It's 9 pages or so. 

I've been reading lots of stuff about social convention lately, both for my Kafka class and for my Peace and Conflict Studies class. Much of the reading right now is trying to establish that warfare is a learned custom, just like marriage, or dueling, and therefore it can be unlearned. Or, better than being unlearned, peacefulness can be learned. It can be effected through attempting to root out both the impulse towards violent action to solve conflicts as well as the structural violence that causes one to receive that impulse in the first place. Structural violence as in racism, sexism, nationalism, homophobia, etc. With increasing globalization, the world is losing these distinctions. However, right now, the numbers of deaths in the world due to structural violence are the highest they've ever been. For example, when someone died 150 years ago of tuberculosis, that was just life and death, but today when some dies of polio, even though a vaccine exists for those fortunate enough to live in the "first world," this death can be attributed to structural violence. We must work to make a world not just free of war (negative peace), but also a world free of structural violence (this world is referred to as one of positive peace). 

Well, those are some of my own thoughts interspersed with some terms i've learned and a few new concepts. I really love the fact that I'm at a place in my life where I can look at the world and see problems, but positively think about changing them, instead of thinking that doom is inevitable.

I really enjoy life.

wow

I just had an amazing phone conversation. Not much of interest was said, but just the implications and the tones were amazing. I think I'm changing (of course, like always), but this girl. THIS GIRL! Stupid jesus.

So, today was amazing. I went to work, went to the bank, I got my prescription filled, I packed and I ate my last dinner at home with my parents. Then, I went out with Julia and we sat in the park and I felt really safe. It was really cool. I'm gonna miss her and I just started to know her. Now, I'm with my best two friends of late. A bunch of my friends are gonna see me tomorrow. I'm excited, but I'm also sad. I feel like I'm leaving a lot more than what I left last summer. I'm gonna be in California for about 3 straight months, stating at about 8 p.m. tomorrow. What an AMAZING. Yeah. I don't know. It works into the shadow.

the crazy guy, the neurotic, the guru and the girl

So, today was amazing. I mended a very dear friendship, and I'm very glad that happened. Then, I packed a little bit and went to dinner with my parents. I was kind of a dick to them, but oh well, i've just gotta let it go. Then, I went through meeting the grandparents and family friends of another girl, and then we went out and just basically spoke our minds about everything, including the way we felt about each other. Then, we cuddled and talked for a long time. When I dropped her off (ooooooh, yay!) i kissed her hand. Then, I went to Daniel's and Caito drove my car to Josh's, where I saw an old "desire" and an old "smart guy". This is like crazy, two-day before i leave "sensory-overload". I'm really happy that today in general happened. "YAY!!!!!!!!!!" ("I really enjoy quotation marks") 

Sonic Youth is great./Two funny things

So, this is a great morning. I'm about to go get my bike from the shop and then get my phone fixed. Then I'm gonna meet Amanda and Ryan Williams for lunch. Then, I'm gonna come home and start packing. :( I'm gonna miss the people who have inhabited the outskirts of my world of late. I think that everything is going to be very strange in two days. TWO DAYS!!!!!!!! I can't believe it. I have about 53 or so more hours in the Phoenix area. I'm sad, but also very excited. Man, I'm gonna miss you Caitlin and Daniel..... I'm gonna miss you Amanda!!!!!!! Everyone should come visit me. Everyone will always have a spot on my couch, my floor, or my mattress. Please come and we'll all be together again. Man, I'm gettin all sentimental again.

So, I said some things that became wonderful jokes last night. One of them occurred when Jonothon came in with 5 (not 4 to match the four of us) but FIVE!!!!!!! otter pops, and I was just "poking" some fun at him and I asked him "WHY ARE THERE FIVE?" It seemed amusing at the time. I have since forgotten the other one. If the awake people from last night can remember it, let me know.

So, I think the world is great. Last night, I think I was finally able to curb my polarized thoughts of depression. I was sitting in Caitlin's (Victoria's, haha) bar and for no reason at all, I started to get really emotional, but then I recognized it and tried to convince myself that it was ridiculous. So, I feel wonderful about that. Also, I think I've decided in the last week or two that I really DO believe in the idea of love, because there are people that I just LOVE. I love them, and that's just it. Maybe it's physiological, in fact, it almost certainly is, but just cuz I can't totally explain it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Of course it might not, but it might. I love the idea of love. I love holding and being held. At the moment, I love life. I wanna work towards not letting myself fall into pointless sadness, when everything could be so happy. I'm so glad that whatever happened at the bar happened, because now I have some faith in myself. So yeah. I'm leaving in five days, and I'm gonna miss you Caitlin and Amanda. I'm gonna miss you Steven and Daniel. I'm gonna miss you Allison and Allison and Andy and Connor and Jonothon and Kendall and Emily and Stephanie and anyone else who didn't just pop into my head. This sure was an amazing summer.

Dysthymia

So, apparently, I have a disorder called "dysthymia." It's known as mild to moderate depression. Read the criteria:

Diagnostic Criteria
Depressed mood for most of the day, for more days than not, as indicated either by subjective account or observation by others, for at least 2 years. Note: In children and adolescents, mood can be irritable and duration must be at least 1 year. 

Presence, while depressed, of two (or more) of the following: 
poor appetite or overeating 
insomnia or hypersomnia 
low energy or fatigue 
low self-esteem 
poor concentration or difficulty making decisions 
feelings of hopelessness 

During the 2-year period (1 year for children or adolescents) of the disturbance, the person has never been without the symptoms in Criteria A and B for more than 2 months at a time. 

No Major Depressive Episode has been present during the first 2 years of the disturbance (1 year for children and adolescents); i.e., the disturbance is not better accounted for by chronic Major Depressive Disorder, or Major Depressive Disorder, In Partial Remission. 
Note: There may have been a previous Major Depressive Episode provided there was a full remission (no significant signs or symptoms for 2 months) before development of the Dysthymic Disorder. In addition, after the initial 2 years (1 year in children or adolescents) of Dysthymic Disorder, there may be superimposed episodes of Major Depressive Disorder, in which case both diagnoses may be given when the criteria are met for a Major Depressive Episode. 


There has never been a Manic Episode, a Mixed Episode, or a Hypomanic Episode, and criteria have never been met for Cyclothymic Disorder. 

The disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of a chronic Psychotic Disorder, such as Schizophrenia or Delusional Disorder. 

The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism). 

The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. 

NOW READ A FAIRLY GOOD DESCRIPTION OF WHAT IT'S LIKE:

"There is a silent killer amongst us. With little fanfare it ruins lives and even ends them. At any given time, some three percent of the population is under its spell, mostly women (by a ratio of two to three to one). The experts call it dysthymia. We know it as mild to moderate depression.

If we think of major depression as a spectacular brain crash, milder depression can be compared to a form of mind-wearing water torture. Day in and day out it grinds us down, robbing us of our will to succeed in life, to interact with others, and to enjoy the things that others take for granted. The gloom that is generated in our tortured brains spills outward into the space that surrounds us and warns away all those who might otherwise be our friends and associates and loved ones. All too frequently we find ourselves alone, shunned by the world around us and lacking the strength to make our presence felt.

The symptoms are similar to major depression, with feelings of despair and hopelessness, and low self-esteem, often accompanied by chronic fatigue. This can go on for years, day in, day out. 

Still, we are able to function, a sort of death-in-life existence that gets us out into the world and to work and the duties of staying alive then back to our homes and the blessed relief of flopping into our unmade beds.

All too often, we are told to snap out of it. That the invisible water torture we carry in our heads is our own fault. And shamed into thinking something is wrong with our attitudes, we fail to seek help. Or, if we do, it's our family physician who confuses a very real chemical imbalance in the brain with some imaginary defect in our personality. And so we are sent away with a stupid happy pill such as a tranquilizer (whose depressive effect only adds to our quiet misery).

Some of us turn to the bottle or illegal drugs. Others seek a more permanent solution. Yes, even milder forms of depression can be lethal (experts estimate anywhere from 3 to 12 percent of dysthymics cure themselves by suicide).

And, sooner or later, it happens, the brain crash. Major depression. That's how most of us wind up, according to the experts, sometimes with a double depression, a depression on top of a depression that never had to be.

As I sit here writing this, the term mild to moderate depression mocks me. I won't even begin to estimate how many years I've lost to a disorder predicated by the modifiers mild to moderate. The least they could have done was assign the name of a Shakespeare character - Hamlet's disease, Lear's disease, anything, really. Just so long as it doesn't imply I was cut down in the prime of my youth by some invisible stupid nerf bat pounding against the inside of my brain."

Flagstaff

So, I went to Prescott and Flagstaff this weekend. En route to Prescott, we drove through this small town of Yarnell, and there was this sign on some shop that said "Brand New Dead Things." I think it might have been a bait shop or something, cuz it was near a lake.

 We got to Prescott, and ate and my father and I went hiking. Then, we came back and drove to Flagstaff where I went in a bookstore and I bought "The Possessed" by Albert Camus, based on Dostoyevsky's novel of the same name.

The Plague by Albert Camus

That's what I'm reading right now. Thought I would just record that. I'm pretty sad tonight, and now I just don't know why. I just saw Amanda the amazing girl, and she and her boyfriend are just the greatest. He told her he was concerned about me, and they talked about it. I totally appreciate support like that. I went to a psychologist and she told me to just recognize when I don't like things, and then realize the faulty thinking that leads to it, and I have a list of them that I fuck up all the time. So, tonight I went to Sweetwater Park (Jonothon and Caitlin, taht's where we went that night) and walked around for about an hour. I smoked, walked around my old elementary school that is adjacent to it, and then I just sat on the bleachers. Then, I went to Borders and just sat and read the Plague from where I had left off in my own copy. Now I'm typing. Tomorrow, I'm going to Flagstaff.

Daniel, the liar

So my dad thinks idledebonair is a liar, due to an occurrence at about 9:30pm. My parents hate it when people call after 9, and just when my dad was about to tell him that he shouldn't call this late, Daniel realized that he'd called the wrong John (they were right next to each other in his cell phone) and says, "oh! is this john thomas's apartment?" My dad promptly decided that Daniel Brodie was a ne'erdowell. So, when he called me to tell me that it got really annoying, so I decided to go hang out with Daniel, and that is where I am right now. He doesn't think he's a liar, he's saddened by these accusations.

Retiro

My night started like any other. I left my house with my parents a little weird towards me, and I towards them. I went to a coffee house with Emily, but then she had to be home at 11:00, so I called up my friend Favian Sanchez and we hung out, and he told me about his problems with his father, and I told him about my problems with depression, pills, parents, school, anxiety, a certain female, etc. etc. Then, he gave me incredible advice. In Spanish, there is a word "retiro" which means withdrawal or retreat. He told me that no matter what pills I took, what other people told me, did for me, or to me, how I treated others, etc..... the only person that can solve my problems is me. In Mexico, people go on a week-long "retiro" where they sort of meditate, but not in an understanding the nature of the world sort of meditation, but one where you stare your problems in the face, and deal with them, and think about them, and realize what you're doing to yourself, to others.... to the people you care about, love, or just the people around. I think this is a wonderful idea. I think I need to just talk to myself for a while (I'm not sure I can pull off a week) and just figure myself out. In Mexico, it's generally a way to become closer to God (it's generally a Catholic thing, it's mentioned in Joyce's writings), and that is what I want to do. I want to understand who I am, and how I am, and I'm not going to solve it at once, but I'm also not going to solve it by ignoring it. I realize this sounds like hogwash, but I think my brilliant friend Favian is right.

andywarholandall

So, I went to work, only to return home after only an hour and a half. It was great, and this afternoon after eating a burrito of only saffron rice, I played lots of songs on the guitar. But then, my mother called and I guess I acted snippy, and then she got really pissed. I fuck up everything. And yes Devin, I'm complaining, that's usually what I feel like doing. It irks me so much when my mother gest angry at me. I don't like having anything less than a great rapport with those close to me. I finished The Pearl yesterday. Steinbeck is awesome. I have nothing else to say.

So, I was so tired this afternoon. I was watching the Royal Tenenbaums and then my mother came home, and I was really sad and didn't want to deal with her, cuz she is always so chipper, so I ran upstairs and started listening to music and reading my John Steinbeck book. Then, I fell asleep, and I woke up so angry and sad. I was angry all through dinner and then I went out and got the Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach cd and then I picked up Nicholas. Then we went adn got Celeste. THen we went to Coffee Plantation, and met a ton of people. I saw Chris Frausto. Then after hanging out there for a long time, LuShay?, Michael, Nicholas, Celeste and I went over to Nicholas's house and watched part of the Germany video, then I took Celeste home. I love Celeste, she's great. That was just a perfectfully fun tonight, with no depressing elements at all. I came home and watched the end of The Royal Tenenbaums and now I'm typing on here, but even thinking aboout stuff has beugn to make me sad again. My "high" from tonight is gone and I feel horrible. I guess I'll just take my Ativan sleeping pills and go to sleep so that I can wake up and take a Paxill and start another chipper and wonderful day.

Oh, and my mom asked me if I was thinking of killing myself. That was my favorite part of the day.

Popcorn

So, the story about the old man made me think about a horrible event in my past, which may seem a little silly to anyone but me, but here we go.

When I was maybe 8, I was in Tucson with my brother and my dad for a soccer tournament that my brother was involved in. The entire team was staying in the same motel, and a bunch of the players were gonna hang out, and I asked my dad if I could tag along with my brother. He sad ok, and then he gave me some money to buy some sodas or something for my brother and I cuz my brother had already run off, not wanting me to follow. Then, my dad said he was gonna watch Wargames and if I wanted i could come back and hang out withhim and maybe buy us a snack so we could watch the movie, if I got bored with my brother's friends. So, we went out and I told my brother about the money and he took it and bought some sodas and gave me one and then we found (I have no idea how, maybe it was one of the other players') a big huge bag of popcorn, and one of the kids asked if anyone wanted it. I thought about my dad, and the movie, but then I didn't want to be uncool, so I didn't respond. We ended up making a huge mess in the hallway of the motel with the popcorn, and there was none left. Plus my brother's friends were jerks to me, and so I went back to the room. I had spent the money and no treat, but we watched the movie. I felt horrible the whole time, cuz all my dad wanted was to have a simple snack and watch a movie with his son, and I was too worried about being cool to be loving to my dad. I never told him about the popcorn, but I have felt bad about it for the past 12 years.

Old Man and the Old Spaghetti Factory

So, when I was at work yesterday, we had a really long wait list, and this old man was talking to me about whether the scale was accurate (we have a joke scale near the lobby of the restaurant). Then about five minutes later he came to the desk and said, "I'm not sure if my daughter is going to show up, but I figure I'll make sure she has a seat if she does. Two please." He was so sad, it made me wanna cry. About twenty minutes later, when I called "Albert Smith (or whatever) party of 2" and only he stood up and I remembered the whole story, I felt so terrible. I wanted to eat with him so bad. (crying) I walked by his 4 person table with only him and three empty spaces being served with extra care by his server, it made me overwhelmed by such fear for loneliness......

PAXILL!!!!!!

Yay. I'm now taking paxill to stop my bouts of depression and sad apocalyptic thoughts. I'm also reading The Pearl by John Steinbeck. I think I'm done trying to read Nietzsche right now. One) He's depressing, because he's enigmatic and I'm not Superman. Two) I feel like a dumbass. Three) I like John Steinbeck. It's far more BEAUTIFUL (yes, Caito and Jonothon, beautiful), and simple, and grounded, and you know, sometimes I just don't give a fuck about trying to be all deep, cuz it's really just a bunch of bullshit, maybe. There's a wonderful truth to Steinbeck. I went into Marble Slab Creamery to try to hit on the girl at the counter (look at her and be sad about how she's cute and not with me), but her little tiny sister was there, and so I didn't. That was sort of crappy. Now, I don't know what's going on. I think I have to use the toilet, but I'm not sure, I just did that..... Ummm.... was just watching the Royal Tennenbaums, thought about how much I feel like the tennis player.... haha. Also, watched Amelie, and felt how much I didn't relate to the guy or Amelie, but wish I could "relate" to Amelie. There I go, getting stuck in movies again.

So, why is it that even when everything that should be stressful is gone, I'm still stressed. Like, I get work done with, and the drugs dealt with, and everything else, but then I still am all sad and worried? I wish someone could explain that to me.

insane stalker

so, i have a stalker. It's scary and weird. and i'm so vindictive, i want her to know just how much i don't like her and am frightened by her. Hung out with Caitlin and Daniel Brodie together, just us, for the first time in years. It was really fun. I like those people.

Oh yeah, and the guy that serves the papers to my STALKERS (oh, i forgot, i have stalkerS!!!) is a huge fat guy, redneck, who scared the shit out of me, and sweated a lot. And his daughter was blond and really hot. It was a wonderful experience.

ok, so the process server served the papers to the changs (to the father in the front yeard, he never did anything, that's kinda sad) last night at about 6:30. I received an e-mail at 7:45 from Karen, apologizing, and informing me that she has "several groups of friends and family flying in from other countries tomorrow and would like to take them to a good restaurant." I'll take the Changs to a good police station if they do. I'm fucking annoyed by all this.

last day of school

i have one hour of class, an 8-10 page paper, 216 pages of a novel, and 2 finals, and then i'm done with my freshman year of college. peace

Phoenix

One week til Phoenix, and 10 days til MA (and CT). I've never been to New England, I'm so fucking excited. Also, I'm going to SF tomorrow. And I'm reading Dubliners. Also, did you know that the breaking down of the fourth wall in theater, was a response to idealism and an attack on capitalism? So, the theater of the absurd is like hardcore communism, hehe, maybe not.... Anyway, it was Bertolt Brecht who started that trend. Go Brechtian aesthetics!!!

HEAT!!!

It's kind of amazing how dependent we've become on electricity. But shit, our electricity was out for about 20 hours, and it was freezing, and cold showers and no computers for homework, and no heat for sleeping, and no hot food. It was nuts!!!!! I love my Mr. ELECTRICITY!!!!! I totally enjoyed everyone getting together and conversing as humans and not through computers, but anyway.....

Do-Gooder

I think I wanna be like Amelie........ (or with her, I can't figure out which). Of course, this destroys my thoughts about anti-idealism, but oh well. Today, it poured and it was like back in Phoenix!!!!!! I turned in my physics, and saw a pretty rad band today...... they played in tower records because it was raining. Now, I get to read Dubliners!!!!!! I'm so excited!!!! Just two weeks and 2 days til I see my family and my friends back home!!! I'm pretty excited, but I've realized how much Berkeley, CA is now my home. It's crazy, I've gone over to the city so much lately, and walked around so much in the East Bay. I feel pretty good about everything. I just wish that I wouldn't worry about school. I'm not blaming my stress on the school, I'm blaming it on me. Maybe that's why I'm stressed, but oh well. I think we must end this with a poem:

To a Historian (by Walt Whitman)

You who celebrate bygones,
Who have explored the outward, the surfaces of the races, the life that has exhibited itself,
Who have treated of man as the creature of politics, aggregates, rulers and priests,
I, habitan of the Alleghanies, treating of him as he is himself in his own rights,
Pressing the pulse of the life that has seldom exhibited itself, (the great pride of man in himself,) Chanter of Personality, outlining what is left to be,
I project the history of the future.

Current Mood: happy

hmmmm

I'm all of a sudden quite happy. I have to go do my physics homework, but I just played MASH. It was hella fun........ Anyway, I'm getting a little carried away with this thingy, but then again, it's only my first day.....

I was just thinking about wonderful, amazing, beautiful Sarah Silverman..... I miss her, but I guess that's life. Anyway, I'm going to MOMA (museum of modern art) in SF tomorrow. I'm excited........... I like elipses......... or is it ellipses?........ I sure don't know, this is such a waste, but it's really fun, and I'll write lots and lots and lots. I really am happy to be alive. I know that it's taxing as hell a lot of the time, but life would suck without it, hehe.....

Current Mood: chipper

WHY?

So, why do we feel that we have to go to school? Why am I in school? To learn? I guess I learn a little bit. To learn to live? I don't know, this is just sooooooo difficult. I wish whatever happened, or I did to make myself lack self-esteem in every way could be altered.... well not really, cuz that's who I am........ I wish I could complain about relationships on this thing............ I'm basically done with 50% of my class on Marxism, but that doesn't matter. I enjoy understanding Marx, but does that really help ME? Does it help anyone? Does anyone care? Should I just give up? Should I be happy? Is my optimism a facade? Is my love for everything artistic a facade? Is physics a facade? Is the idea in quantum physics that molecules exist at more than one place at the same time valid? Does this really make this whole world a strange abstraction? Does Taoism therefore hold up as fact? Am I only writing this to appear intelligent? or philosophical? What's the point? Happiness? Knowledge? Oneness with "God"? Is this whole world completely fucked and full of shit? Are all these societal conventions just bullshit? WHY CAN'T LIFE BE EASIER, GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!! I sure don't know any of the answers to these questions.

Current Mood: morose

Freud

I was reading Freud, and I don't know how much his stuff is real, or even what that means, but I noticed a lot of things. I really care about people, but when I get close to them, I either get really annoyed with them (scared), or way too attached. I think what it means, is that I attach myself to people who are unattainable because it's safe. I don't have to worry about getting hurt, because nothing will come of it..... Also, these people are more likely to put up with this, than strangers who are unattainable. This is not to say that I don't truly care about these people, but it just sorta puts things in perspective. This is all concerning sexual relations. I'm not sure this really applies to just plain friendships, but I often attach myself to these people who are "just friends" because it's safe. Alright, that was in no way laconic, but anyway....... 

Current Mood: melancholy